File: 79
From: 	Ð by Dave Barry
Subject: ARMED AND DANGEROUS: MORE ASSAULTS INVOLVE FROZEN ANIMALS AS WEAPONS
Date: Jul 19 1992
ACategory: lifestyle
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DAVE BARRY
Knight-Ridder Newspapers 

I was not particularly alarmed when I received word of the assault with the frozen kangaroo tails. Perhaps you read about this. Here is the Associated Press report, which was sent to me by many alert readers (I am not making any of the following news reports up): 

ªALICE SPRINGS, Australia -- Aborigines attacked three policemen with frozen kangaroo tails bought at a local store. ... A police spokesman said the kangaroo tails won't be introduced as evidence because they were eaten by the aborigines after the alleged attack.º 

As I say, this report did not alarm me. ªSounds like a routine assault with frozen kangaroo tails that were later eaten by the alleged assailants, or, in standard police-radio code, a 10-398,º I recall saying to myself. 

Then readers sent me this AP report: 

ªSACRAMENTO, Calif. -- A man who hit his wife with frozen squirrels was jailed on suspicion of spousal abuse, police said Monday.º 

The report states that the couple was having an argument, and the man ªwalked into the kitchen and took several frozen squirrels from the freezer,º then struck his wife with them. 

ªIt was unclear why the squirrels were in the freezer,º states the report, thus proving that American journalism remains a haven for people with peach pits for brains. I mean, where else are you going to keep squirrels? Your sock drawer? 

Anyway, I attached no great signi®cance to either the squirrel or the kangaroo-tail assault, until readers started sending me another AP report, which begins: 

ªCEDAR RAPIDS, Iowa -- A Cedar Rapids man was charged with assault after he allegedly hit another man with a frozen ®sh.º 

The report states that the men had been arguing, and the assailant ªarmed himself with a ®sh from his freezer and started swinging.º 

At this point I was starting to become mildly alarmed. I was thinking, OK, maybe we need to take some action, such as imposing a ®ve-day ªcooling-offº period on the purchase of freezers. Then I received a report from the San Jose Mercury-News, headlined: 

MAN ATTACKED WITH GOLDFISH 

The report states: ªA 28-year-old San Francisco man got so mad at his roommate that he tried to stuff a live gold®sh in the roommate's mouth.º The roommate was treated at a medical center and released. The gold®sh died. 

Now I was really worried. There's an old saying in the law- enforcement profession: ªWhen the criminals cross the ®ne line between assaults with frozen ®sh and assaults with live ones, then it is only a matter of time before they start using members of the marsupial family. º And sure enough, I received a news report from the Ventura County (Calif.) Star-Free Press, headlined: 

MAN ARRESTED FOR WIELDING 

OPOSSUM AS WEAPON 

This report states that two Oxnard, Calif., of®cers on patrol encountered a man who came at them wielding a live opossum, ªits teeth gnashing alarmingly.º The of®cers apprehended the man, but during the struggle, ªthe opossum broke free and disappeared into the night.º I doubt that they'll ever apprehend it. By now it's probably in another state, disguised as an otter, or an inexpensive hairpiece. 

And then I received this chilling report from the Syracuse (N.Y.) Herald-Journal, headlined: 

WOMAN HURLS DEAD RACCOON AT LAWYER 

The story states that a woman was arrested following a scuf¯e with her neighbor, who is a lawyer (this occurred, by the way, on ªPork Streetº). The woman claims the lawyer knocked her down onto a road kill, so she threw it at him. 

My reaction to this tragic and totally unnecessary incident Ð I'm sure you feel the same way Ð was shock and anger. 

ªWait a minute,º I said. ªAre you telling me it's against the law to throw dead raccoons at lawyers?º 

This is just another example of how the healthy gum tissue of our liberty is being eaten away by the periodontal disease of government regulation. We are no longer allowed to exercise the fundamental human right to throw dead raccoons at lawyers, and meanwhile criminals walk our streets, ¯aunting their opossums, openly laughing at us. And I don't have to tell you what it's like to be openly laughed at by an opossum. 

So I'm ®ghting back. That's right: I have purchased a mail-order wolverine. I'll use it if I have to. You can take it from me when you pry my cold, dead ®ngers out of its mouth. 

 

(C) 1992 THE MIAMI HERALD 

DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC. 
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